¡Feliz Navidad, mis amigos!

Whether you spent Christmas all by yourself, with family or friends, your partner or pet – I hope it was filled with ‘roses’ and warmth. There are some days and nights when you have to tell yourself that the light of sun, moon and stars are worth it. Everything! Life, and all its many mysteries. The little things. Spending part of your time reflecting on love and loss – it is hard, sometimes to count just your blessings. For cracks tend to run deep and show all that is in between. Yes; deep gulps, bitter swallows.

We are here, now and I am grateful. I cannot be anything else. There will continue to be joyful, wild hope following every desperate/destructive moment; there will continue to be plants shooting out of a ground that was only watered by hate – I will try to remember all of this. – So I spent Christmas quietly, with family – as I usually do. There was mulled apple cider that I made (it was my first time making it and uh, it was okay but yay), roast chicken with a home-made stuffing and some saffron pilaf-ish rice (cooked by my sweet, talented mother); we also met my aunts, uncle and cousins for dinner at their home in Mahim, last night. It was surprisingly low-key and lovely – we talked about mental health and sexual harassment (would you believe) and though most of our arguments weren’t met by the elders with conviction, I am glad that the conversation was had.

P.S. This post is dedicated to the inhabitants of a beautiful home in Porvorim (Goa); I have been thinking of all of you, most – this December. (And should you, dear reader, pray on a regular basis to a deity or our mother – Earth, could you please ask for love and light to swiftly and slowly be on its way to this particular family? Thank you for your ears, and eyes, dear reader – you may have them back, now.)


Artwork by Roanna Fernandes



Okay, I have been gone a long time. I am not sure how it happened so, then again – I think I know. Can I just say that I am really excited to be back? I have sincerely missed you too. Sorely! (I am breaking into a huge grin as I type.) How are you? How have you been? Everything good? Not bad, not good? Figuring things out?

I would hope you are well. (I am, too.)

Where do I begin?

There is not much to tell, of course, but it has been long and I feel like talking. Okay, so here is one something: I have purchased a monthly subscription to Adobe Illustrator so I can use it alongside Adobe Photoshop and it is one of the better things that I have done, this year! I have much to learn (re-learn?) but yes, finalmente. (I have developed a mild obsessive/compulsive way of thinking over the years – I could have just said Photoshop without the Adobe when I used it in the previous sentence – you would have got it, but I just could not bear to not. I would have not used the word at all, then.)

Because of which, I have drawing on there some more than otherwise, and I randomly thought of making a project/series etc. of it on my Tumblr blog. The series is called Women of My World and I am protective/proud of it. Of course, some of the women may have some ‘drawing defects’ (sorry, my beautiful women) but I do not know! These women are special to me, they were my friends when I was bored at home – feeling dejected/depressed/lonely (about two months ago). I also have been meaning to acquire more work (of the illustrative variety, etc.); usually, a few folks reach out to me every year but it would be nice if I could manage to hear of interesting projects outside of this ‘tiny pool of reach’, and pitch for more projects (not too many) etc.

Oh yes, and the title of this post. Yes, somewhat apt, I could say! I have not been hiding but I have been scuttling about in the woods… I have been looking for something, walking on an unbeaten path (Don’t you hate the way I talk or write sometimes?), and falling down deep tunnels (not as intriguing as Alice’s adventures) and feeling beaten and broken etc. – however, every now and then, I seek refuge in a cosy hollow; ferns, leaves and saplings have been growing all over the place or I bump into worker bees who want to teach me that working hard is one of the world’s oldest methods to make the brain feel good. So I am happy, in a general sense. It is the little stratosphere around me – that bit is okay. It is good. There are pollutants that infiltrate etc.; some, I have no protection against. I am not trying to control every little thing, I am making decisions on my own, and I am trying. Really hard. (I want it to hurt!)

I am hoping to make something better of myself.

I am scared, though. (Though I think immersing oneself into a body of something is good; the word itself is light, it is not coercive or forceful or persuasive – it is healing. It is letting you breathe/do/make – complete with a very faint prickle of urgency. All in good measure, to get your ‘floating situation’ in order.)

There is more to come.

P.S. This post may have been all over the place; I do not apologise for it being so. I am happy to be writing here, again! Over the last few months and weeks, I was in a mind to delete a great big chunk of my posts from long ago. They were bothering me. There was a disconnect. I did not know what to write about. Shallow and superficial were two of the words hovering in my mind’s eye, all the fucking time. I do not directly help anyone through this platform, I know this… I am not sure if that is/was the primary purpose of this blog. But I have feelings I would like to express, and some thoughts too. Lots of in-between tales, I would hope you understand that this space has its shortcomings – I can accept that. It is dear to me; I love my other children too. I hope you do not just see this as a puerile place, it would feel horrid. I want my work to have meaning (whatever I do in life, no – not just jobs, necessarily.)


Artwork by Roanna Fernandes


256 A Flower in the Desert

(Oh, it feels good to know in advance that this is not going to be a long post!) Okay, so you have seen this cactus before… I just placed it into a pot for the sake of converting this illustration into one of my Confetti Stickers – yeah, remember those? This one is symbolic of all the good I find around me, even in moments of deep distress. So, thank you flowers, you are my friends, and you know who you are!

Somewhat related but also not, I am no good with plants – growing, or taking care of them. Perhaps I will foster one this year, my friend Ashwita (Hosbettu) did promise me a succulent! Do you grow plants at home? Which ones, and what do you like about growing them? I recently bought some chilli seeds in Auroville (Pondicherry) as a little something-something for one of my “planter friends” in the city.


Artwork by Roanna Fernandes



250 Where Are Ü Now

Good question! A lot of different places? (Sorry, it’s not cool to answer questions with questions.) Okay, the truth… I can’t remember if I mentioned this on my blog before – I took up a full-time job sometime in October, last year. It was with a brand I was really excited about and liked (perhaps still do) and I felt chuffed to have made the cut after directly applying to the HR team there, etc. – there didn’t seem like much to complain about. I was guaranteed a (slightly more than) decent source of income every month, and my weekends were mostly free (unless otherwise stated) – and therefore, seemingly be able to take care of my blog, on the side. Ending this story real quick, that job didn’t work out for me.

While the profile I had there helped me grow in terms of getting out of my comfort zone (after more than a year), reviving my love of boarding fast trains from Dadar back home, learning how to use a Macintosh computer (gah, I think I am not so averse to Apple products anymore), and a little movie editing (and this and that), etc. – being there was not making me very happy. I won’t bore you with the specifics – I am out of the fire, and I feel alive with hope. I really do, and for the first time after ages, I don’t feel depressed. 2015 was not a bad year, and so much happened – and I have loads to look back on but I want to think of it too, as my year of mistakes. Which is good, ah… It’s somewhat difficult to communicate how happy I am RN while I am trying to tell you of the me from before.

Ooh, so I am not sure if you were able to read into some clues here that happened by way of making this illustration for the post… You probably can’t (SIGH), I just have so many of these crazy+cool secrets going on in my brain.

Before I wrap up, nope – I haven’t mastered the art of coding yet but I played around with some of the free themes available for WordPress to change the layout of my blog, a little. Bon? Oh, and won’t you please check out my friend Sonaksha’s watercolour and #creaturesofwords posts on her Instagram feed. They’re so beautiful to look at, and I am filled with awe, inspiration, jealousy and love all at once. Real works, them! #Wanterlust


Artwork by Roanna Fernandes