THE LIGHT IS COMING

269 The Light Is Coming

Or is it not… Did the light take a cosmic detour? 

Hey, hey, so, I’ve been away. – Oh, and this is a picture I took (of my reflection in a floor-length mirror at Cinnamon in Bangalore) on my 31st birthday, etc. I know it is unusual to share pictures of myself on my blog but I thought, Hey, why not? (It was a lovely day, and I liked my outfit.) I don’t usually photograph well and hate posting pictures of myself on a public forum unless I have taken the picture (and think it looks fine) or yeah… I know, so finicky and weird. Well, that’s me in a nutshell for you! (Nothing alluring/inviting, there.)

So back to the topic at hand, I thought I’d drop some gems (much like in the photograph)! Or maybe just tell you what has been going on, which is, basically, nothing. I am still looking for a job, so there is that. May has been complete mayhem to say the least, I have never before felt the depth of emotions so destructive and distressing, as I did, last month. How’d I escape its confining clutches? (I tried.) There was a two-hour DMT (Dance/Movement Therapy) workshop and a spooky story-telling sesh that I attended (on different days); I met some friends (Ashwita and Krutika) and worked on a mini-series called #mermay (just for kicks, or uh, fins), etc.

What I’m hoping is that June is better. That I can finally get somewhere, be doing something (I promise to pay it forward). I’ve been in the same place for so long, and everyone, everything is just passing me by. Adding to the overall despondency of this post; I had a few bad depressive episodes this month and do you know what’s even sadder? I don’t have enough to see a counsellor on a regular basis or anything (don’t worry; there is something else that could perhaps work out). Anyway, I know they say that it gets worse before it gets better… So, I definitely won’t stop trying. (Please don’t be laughing at me, I’d cry harder if you were to. All the best, ¡mis amigos! May June bring out your compassion and courage, confidence and creativity… I wish you the warmest of viiiiibes.)

(Should you be interested, the marigold-themed silk blouse is from H&M – it was a gift from my mother and my jeans are the 711 Skinny from Levi’s; I wore Minila’s gold Kolhapuri chappals on my feet, a beautiful coral reef necklace from SHOP LUNE on my neck, hoop earrings from H&M in my ears, and a new watch on my wrist (my friend Magali helped me snag this babe from Casio at an excellent price!). 

P.S. Look, don’t get me wrong… I know I rarely get into a super sad mood here on the blog, and that too, on the first day of the month! But know this, I’m always forthcoming on here, and I couldn’t pretend things were better. I mean, yeah, there’s so much to be thankful for. Even so, I do feel emotionally/mentally drained. I’d like to have done something. I’d like to be seen as worthy; only I am not and I feel like I am the human equivalent of the song Fix You by Coldplay. I mean, it’s utterly desperate but kinda hopeful too. That is what I am, right now. Hoping against hope, as Ogden Nash once wrote. (Okay, that brought a smile to my face; it was a crazy poem, wasn’t it?)

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Artwork and picture by Roanna Fernandes

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THE ORACLE SAID WANDER

Hello friends!

February has been a month of many happenings – two weddings (Valya married Nigel, Neola married Jason); a birthday (mine); and a most wonderful holiday (thank you, Ajay and Minila), etc. I could say that this time was consuming, but only in the most rewarding way possible. Yeah! I dared! Be cheesy, that is.

No, really.

It has just been the happiest, healthiest state of mind that I have ever been in – after ages. It blew me away! This February has to be one of the best out of all the Februaries I have lived! (I am supremely grateful, if you couldn’t already tell.) Much of it has to do with my stay in Bangalore, this past week (I am going to cover that in some detail, but not in this post) – everything just feels like “growth”. Things are growing. Blossoming, even. Plants and thoughts, saplings and sounds and whatever-have-you. All good things, all the important ones. (Like I said, truly grateful.)

Birthdays ought to be unusual (there is an auspiciousness of new that accompanies its arrival, I would like to believe) and whatever it was, I experienced something joyful. When I was leaving Bangalore, I felt alive with all the new I discovered (books and gardens, friendships and food, places and people), the ideas I nursed (slowly filling up the jar); my mind was bright – brimming with a peace that comes from possibilities. What a beautiful word, right? Poh-sah-bi-laa-tees.

(Ah, there’s much to tell.)

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Artwork by Roanna Fernandes

THE LIGHT OF THE MOON

We are going to want to talk about ‘time’ again, are we not; you know, how it picks up speed ever so slightly making every moment fleeting, etc. Because here we are, once again – at the beginning of an end, at the end of a beginning; and this is the way it must be for how else must we live? How else must we see, how else must we know, how else must we feel? January, you are not quite over – and yet you have been a long and weary-inducing month. I have learned some things, hated some things, discovered some things and then some. But you were here, all the same; so, thank you.

P.S. One of my closest friends, Valya (we used to live at Kalyan Kendra in Bandra, and that is where we met) is getting married to her beau, this weekend; send her some love, should you be inclined to (I hope everything goes well). There are a bunch of events, starting tomorrow… Oh, and see you soon, February, ¡mi amor!

(I have not photographed anything interesting in a while – this reminds me, I have to charge my camera’s batteries; some of my ideas are coming back to life so you can expect to see some good things on here, es mi promesa a usted.)

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Artwork by Roanna Fernandes

THE SEARCH FOR EVERYTHING

Hi.

How are you doing?

Ever since getting back to writing and publishing posts on this blog again, I have a newfound enthusiasm to keep up, continue putting up posts as often as I can. I had a bunch of ideas for Christmas – not all of them saw the light of day (you know this); I was keen to put up a post in the first week of January but fell sick (I am better), some unexpected news came my way and well, there has been a bunch going on in my personal life… But, hey, I am here, now.

This post is just one of those where I muse over the near future and nurse wild hope that I can make things work, this year. I am determined to work extra hard and give everything all I have (one life, they say); take up an interesting full-time job (the focus is to make money but I would like for my weekends to be stress-free and so); continue drawing and pursue even more personal and professional projects (as I have in 2017) etc. (There is a whole list.) The Search for Everything – if I may, friends (thank you, John Mayer)… I wish you love and luck on your journey too. Thank you for your support through mine (silent or otherwise); your comments and compliments fill me with encouragement and a quiet determination to do more (with my craft). For this, I am eternally grateful.

P.S. Kevin, you are sorely missed and will be – forever more; you are loved more than you could have ever fathomed. I know that you are in a better place, now, but I do wish you were still here. Thank you for the memories, and rest in peace, brother. (Should you pray and/or be a believer in the divine forces out there, could you please spare a thought for Kevin and his family, tonight? Their hearts are in need of healing; and their souls – to be soothed.)

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Artwork and picture by Roanna Fernandes